Deep down inside, I think I do believe in myself. I know that I am a nice person, with skills and talents to offer the world. I know that I am good at achieving things when I put my mind to them. It’s just that I can’t do any of this unless someone else gives me a nudge in the right direction. It’s only natural for us to need encouragement and support, but I fear that in my case, the problem runs deeper than that. I don’t just need a bit of encouragement, I need constant reassurance that I’m doing the ‘right’ thing or that I’m moving in the right direction. My motivation comes hand in hand with the positive reinforcement I receive from the world around me. I’m not like this all the time. And it’s not abnormal to be this way. There’s nothing actually ‘wrong’ with me. It’s just that I can’t help but feel that life is trying to teach me something – to have more faith in myself and the courage to be who I am without waiting for anyone’s permission. I need to stop waiting for perfect solutions. I need to stop feeling deterred by the idea that I might do a less than perfect job of something. I know where all of this stems from, and I won’t bore you with details of my childhood here. I am grateful for every single experience I have had in life, including the painful ones, because they have all helped me to become who I am. I just feel that, no matter how much personal development I do, barriers I break through etc., the one thing I keep coming back to is that I’m still too afraid to just be myself, and to know what that means.
Is any of this making sense? Does any of it ring true with your own life experiences?
What it all comes down to is fear. And the good thing is that once we have identified the fears we carry with us through life, we can begin to do something about it; challenge and test our fears, and step beyond our usual comfort zones.
It’s so easy to go back into a sort of trance where we’re not really listening to ourselves. We’re just brushing over our true feelings and getting on with the day-to-day things. The things we are required to do – rather than activities we have actively chosen to take part in because they make our hearts sing and our eyes sparkle.
Perhaps this is because it’s easier to just carry on than it is to face up to what we’re afraid of. But if we can put in that bit of effort, and begin to break through our personal barriers, we open the door to a whole load of joy and happiness.
I need to remind myself of this. I think that’s why I’m sat here now writing this post. I’m frustrated with myself for falling in to the same old traps. But we have to keep falling in order to pick ourselves back up. And each time I fall I learn something new and become more of who I am. So bring it on!
Bye for now lovely people x