If you drop something on the floor, I will pick it up for you.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, I will offer you two.
If you just don’t understand, I will provide as many answers as I can.
If you are sad and lonely, I will hold your hand until you feel strong again.
Whatever you need, I will do everything I can to be there for you.
I do this with an open heart and a true desire to see you through the difficult and dark times in life.
You are stronger than you know.
You’ve got this, but know that I’ve got you too.
But if you think I’m a kind person, you should hear how I talk to myself…
I berate myself at every opportunity, and call myself names like ‘lazy good for nothing’ and ‘ugly cow’.
I do not like myself, and do not care for my own needs.
I think people are wonderful, but I am the one exception to this rule.
I don’t know how to comfort myself, having never bothered to learn.
I have failed myself and my family, by simply not being good enough.
So why should I be nice to myself?
Why waste my time on me, when I could be watching out for you?
The trouble is…
I realise, after much suffering and heartache, that I don’t really know how to let love in.
I tend to your needs because it makes me feel lovable, but I never let your praise or affection sink through to where it matters.
Like trying to swim upstream, I fail to make progress on my journey towards love and acceptance.
I have come to the devastating realisation that this love and acceptance can only come from one place: me.
If I can’t love myself, how can I expect to trust that others love me too?
If I can’t trust myself, how can I expect to trust that others love me too?
I want to love myself.
I’d love to love myself.
But I don’t really want to see all of me.
The imperfect parts.
The shadow that follows me around wherever I go.
I only ever wanted to see a perfect light shining within me.
I see now that this light does indeed shine bright, but to reach it I must first delve into the darkness.
Remove the mask I’ve been wearing my entire life, and truly look myself in the eye.
You may already know from experience that this process does not feel good.
It is not a place I wish to stay in for any longer than is necessary.
But I see now that it is necessary.
Because I do want to love myself, and to see the light not only in others, but inside of myself.
Image courtesy of Thad Zajdowicz via Flickr Creative Commons: https://tinyurl.com/yywhtyq7